Frustrated

Argh. Today was a frustrating day. Ellie has hit her terrible twos with a vengeance. As soon as I tell her NOT to do something, she does it with this look on her face that drives me nuts. I think she knows it's bad to disobey, but I don't know that she gets HOW bad it is. She had 4 time outs today. For one of them, Peter put her in the playpen and closed the door so she couldn't get out. He left her in there for awhile, so I decided to get her out and have a talk with her. The reason she was in there in the first place was because she kept disobeying me and whining. She was bawling the whole time out, and as soon as I walked in she asked, "Where did Mommy go?" Sheesh. Broke my heart. And I'm POSITIVE it wasn't meant to be manipulative. I think she was genuinely sad that I had left her in time out.

Anyway, I've always been against spanking. I do smack her on the hand when she is physically aggressive, but we've never spanked her. I was so close to the end of my rope with her today that I came really close. I think that it would've been bad if I'd done it, just because I was SO frustrated that it would've been out of anger. I think we really need to buckle down on her, though. She's getting a little too feisty - the kind that's not cute. She is Miss Sassy Pants, that's for sure. She is exhausting me these days. I'm physically exhausted from being so emotionally exhausted. Too many people need me, exclusively me, these days.

On a lighter note, she's sleeping in her big girl bed by herself for the 3rd night in a row. Hooray! And Matthew decided to go down for the night at 8:30 tonight! Hooray! So Peter's at the shepherds' meeting/basketball, and I actually have some free time alone. I will NOT do the dishes, I will NOT clean up the toys. I'm going to eat chocolate and watch So You Think You Can Dance.

My best friend from childhood Irene was in Houston for the day yesterday and had dinner with us. Guess what she got me. Pee pee teepees. She didn't even know I had mentioned it in a previous entry. Hilarious. Also a onesie that says I Might Barf from the same company as Ellie's I Can't Read onesie. There's nothing like using your helpless infants for your own amusement.

So for those of you who comment on my blog, I'm going to do a survey. Who in the world does Matthew look like?!? He doesn't even look like the same person in his pictures. Here are some. Please input your suggestions. So far the most common is that his eyes look Jung and the bottom of his face looks like my side of the family, specifically my mom's side. He has this chin flesh that NO ONE has (actually, my mom said Uncle Joong Jin does have that chin). But the suggestions vary depending on whether or not people know my relatives. Those who don't know my extended family tend to say he kinda looks like Danny, but because his eyes are so different, I can't see it. Paul thinks he looks like Daniel Jung, but I see resemblence ONLY in the eyes. Anyway, let me know what you think. If I didn't see him come out of my body, I'd be suspicious about a baby switch. That first picture is frpm his 2nd week, by the way.

Getting back to normal

No more houseguests. Everyone who was staying with us for extended periods of time have come and gone. As much as I appreciated everyone's help, it'll be good to try to get back to "normal" routine again.

Ellie slept by herself in the big girl bed last night. Granted, Peter had to literally lock her in (he only locked her bedroom door at first, but she ran through the bathroom that connects her room to Matthew's and came right out). We had a talk about it this morning, and she said she would be OK with sleeping in her big girl bed by herself. We'll see.

We have AC again! We suffered about 4 days without AC downstairs, so we were all sleeping upstairs. Peter has since decided we will all continue to sleep upstairs in various rooms since it seems easier (read - cheaper) to cool the upstairs than downstairs.

I'm wearing some normal clothing again. I have about 3 non-elasticized bottoms that I can wear regularly. Hooray. I actually have GAINED weight, despite getting a little smaller. Sad. I have number issues with sizes, too. I don't know if I can psychologically handle going up a size...

Here are a couple of pictures from this weekend. Maggie took, like, a bajillion pictures of my children doing nothing in particular - Ellie picking her nose was a favorite of Maggie's. She does it CONSTANTLY. Maggie and Marshall also got Matthew this basketball jersey outfit for U of O. It's sized 6-9 months but was gigantic and fit Ellie. She's wearing it, but doing "Hook Em" with her hands, a newly acquired skill she's very proud of. Matthew will frantically look at nothing every so often. He's so desperate to see whatever that he cranes his neck and opens his eyes really wide. You can't help but look, and it's usually, like, wall. Wow, Matthew looks really jaundiced...

Happy days

Well, today was my first day with the two babies and no one at home to help me. We went to the mall to meet up with Alice, Grace, Julie, and their collective 8 children. Yikes. Talk about chaos. I don't think we'll be doing that again anytime soon. Anyway, Ellie had fun and it used up our whole morning, so that was good.

I have to say, as hard as it is for me to have houseguests (just my issues with having my space to myself), it's nice having someone watch one of the kids while I busy myself with the other. Paul was remarkably helpful while he was here. He's spent more time with Matthew than Peter has. He's also watched both kids at once more than Peter has, which isn't really that big of an accomplishment since Peter's done it for about 10 minutes, but still. The help was great while it lasted, but I know my independence had to come sooner or later. Actually, my cousin Maggie is coming into town tonight for the long weekend, so I'll have a few extra days of help. :)

Some cheerful things going on. Here's what's making me happy these days.

• So You Think You Can Dance is premiering tonight. LOVED the first season. Sadly, one of the highlights of my week. We'll see if I have the energy to dedicate myself to it again. I'm a reality show junkie, so I was all depressed that America's Next Top Model ended last week. I never watch Fox, but I watched the American Idol finale and found out about SYTYCD.
• Was able to collapse and put together the double stroller by myself for the first time today. Both kids were fairly good in it.
• Both kids are napping at the same time now!
• Matthew went down for the night (still taking night feedings, but sleeps through them) at 8 last night, as opposed to 11 or 11:30 as usual.
• Peter has the weekend off! Hooray.
• We both fell asleep watching the Lost season finale, so we still have it to look forward to.

Simple pleasures. Really excited about So You Think You Can Dance, though. Good stuff.

Does anyone watch Alias? The series finale was on this past week, and I have some issues with it. What was the significance of the amulet and the globe/artifact thing? When did Sydney find out Vaughn was still alive? Why did Sloane's bullet wound disappear, but his bones stay crushed under the rocks? Whatever. I wasn't satisfied with the ending, but the show was just so ridiculous at this point, it was only an issue of loyalty that I watched it at all.

While on the topic, was that old looking guy who won American Idol really good? We didn't watch a single episode. He has such a weird look. I thought for sure the hot girl would win. And did anyone else think Joanie was robbed on America's Next Top Model? She NEVER made the bottom two throughout the entire season, so it seemed only right that she would win. Aside from being a little short, there was nothing else wrong with her. Danielle got a lot of grief for her accent and gap...

I watch too much TV. It's the only thing I have the energy to do by the end of the day. Gotta go clean the house while the babies are sleeping. Don't know why I bother, seeing that Ellie will just mess it up within the first 5 minutes of awakeness.

Confessing sins

Confession of sin was never really a big part of my prayer life. I mean, if I did something PARTICULARLY bad, I'd confess. Otherwise, it was mostly giving thanks and asking for stuff. I don't know if I think I'm hiding it from God by not acknowledging my sin, or if I'm just so calloused to my sin that I don't even acknowledge it to myself.

Anyway, the reason that I got started thinking about this is because Ellie confessed her sin to me today. She'd had a really fun day, having friends over and going to the pool. Then Paul got her ice cream since he was leaving today. Great day in Ellie's book. So at dinner I'm telling Peter about how Ellie was so good today and didn't whine or anything. We're praising her and applauding her when she looks at me and says, "I hit Hannah." "What? When?" I ask. "In the computer room," she responds. "Why did you hit Hannah?" I ask. "I go to the room... and Hannah in front... and" (she pats her knees repeatedly) "Hannah say no no no... and I hit Hannah."

I don't really know what happened, but something in her little conscience told her that she shouldn't get away with the praise we were giving her. Or maybe I'm giving her too much credit. The more likely situation is that she is VERY literal and knew it wasn't true when I said she'd been really good today. Either way, she confessed, and I made her call Hannah to apologize. I'm sure Hannah had no idea what was going on, but it was important to me that Ellie acknowledge her mistake and make efforts to fix it.

I don't think that I really realize the consequence of my own actions sometimes. Especially now that I'm at home, my days consist of chasing after and breastfeeding my children. That's usually it. I don't even really have opportunity to sin in "big ways", so I rarely acknowledge that any sin has occurred at all. But if I stop and think about it, I totally sin all the time. I snap at my husband, I gossip, I put off spending time with God during my precious free moments to eat chocolate and watch TV...

Ugh. I'm so not where I need to be in my prayer life right now.

Whitewashed

Ellie does not enjoy being Korean. Rather, she does not enjoy the Korean language. She's going through this thing where if someone says something in Korean, she rejects it. For instance, halmoni (Peter's mom) would always call Ellie "eepun saram", like pretty person, I guess would be the exact translation. Anyway, one morning halmoni came downstairs and I told Ellie to say good morning. Ellie answered, "I no want say good morning. I no want eepun saram." Like, she knew if she acknowledged halmoni, halmoni would call her eepun saram again.

I think the background of that, though, was that halmoni would tell Ellie, "Your name is eepun saram." Ellie would always say, "No, I big girl Ellie." You know, babies are very literal. It frustrated her that halmoni would say her name was something when Ellie KNEW that it was really Ellie. Obviously, she doesn't really get jokes or anything. Anyway, halmoni stopped calling her that, and Ellie was fine afterwards.

Another day grandma (my mom) was feeding Ellie dinner and said, "Mahsheetji?" like "Isn't it good?" Ellie looked at her very solemnly and said, "No mahsheetji, grandma. Yum yum." She knew what the Korean meant, and didn't want any part of it. Weird, huh? I don't know what her deal is.

So white people ask me all the time if she's bilingual. I say she is - in English and Spanish. She watches Dora a lot. She can count to twelve, and use appropriately the words arriba and abajo, abre, hola, gracias, de nada, delicioso, buenos dias... and she can sort of sing this song La Lechuza. As for Korean, she knows some facial parts and family members because of a book Jieun got her. She knows a few food words, but that's it. Never uses it in conversation or anything, which she WILL do with Spanish. We don't call her noona, either, just big sister.

I'm sure part of it is my influence. I'm not anti-Korean or anything, but I'm definitely not pushing her Korean heritage on her. Maybe I should more? I dunno. Peter referred to himself as appa when she was an infant, but because I always referred to him as Daddy, that's what stuck. It's like I'm subconsciously whitewashing her. I know I have very negative feelings about her being all "azn"-ized, but I wonder how her generation of Korean Americans will grow up. The "azn" kids in Houston tend to be either 1.5 or 2nd generation. Ellie will be 3rd. It'll be interesting to see how it develops.

Deputy Inspector General

Hey, check it out.

http://www.metrokc.gov/exec/news/1999/102199.htm

I Googled myself to see if anything would pop up. Nothing, aside from this blog. Lots of Germans out there with my name.

Why does this make me sad? Did I expect to have more of myself out there? What is my need for significance? Nothing under my maiden name either, aside from a very very old site from my college fellowship. And a very bad picture.
http://studentorgs.utexas.edu/basic/chrischai.html

Random rambling. Not much else going on. Hot outside. Wearing elasticized pants. Had some chocolate. Watched Dora.

Thank goodness for Bohemian chic

The other day I was mentioning to Peter that I had lost 23 pounds. Ellie overheard me and kept saying "23 pounds", as in, "I want 23 pounds." "Where is 23 pounds?" "I eat 23 pounds." Anyway, the next day I was looking for something. Ellie asked, "What Mommy looking? 23 pounds? Where it go?" I honestly didn't know how to answer that. Where did it go? Obviously some went with the baby, then in my pee and poo? I just said I didn't know.

So I've lost 23 pounds. Unfortunately I still have 12 to go, and my weight loss has somewhat plateaued at this point. It was great stepping on the scale and seeing daily weight loss with no effort whatsoever. Yesterday I had to go to Target and buy more elasticized waist stuff. I'm not buying nice stuff because I'm clinging to the hope that I will not need it after a couple of months. We'll see. I only gained 23 pounds when pregnant with Ellie, and that weight came off right away. The biggest problem is my butt and thighs. People say it's good when your butt gets bigger during pregnancy so it balances out your stomach and prevents back problems. But now most of my stomach is gone, and the butt and thighs remain. I can't pull my clothes up over them. Depressing.

But this Bohemian peasant-y look is in, so at least there are cute options for me out there. I found all kinds of elasticized skirts and stuff. Unfortunately only a few were on the clearance rack at Target (that's where I shop!), but at least there were some cuter things to choose from. I still have to wear a sweatshirt tied around my waist, though.

Oh, and then I have to wear tank tops because I start sweating in anything with sleeves. BUT, the tank tops have to be long enough to cover the pooch, the straps have to be wide enough to cover the nursing bra, and it has to be cotton so I can wash out the spit up. Just another glamorous aspect of being a mom. Sigh.

My two sleepy babies

It's my last Sunday at home. I guess I could've gone to church, but I was really looking forward to having the house to myself. Privacy, as the world knows it, is gone to me. Even now, I'm not REALLY alone. Bubber's entertaining himself pretty well in the bouncy chair by my feet.

So I know he's not even three weeks old yet, but it's interesting seeing similarities and differences in Matthew and Ellie. They were both dark and slightly jaundiced with very round ears. Matthew constantly grunts and groans like Ellie did. They're both very cuddly - I'm sleeping on the guest bed with Matthew these days (Peter just wakes me up even more often if I sleep in our room). I'll put him on the other side of the bed, but inevitably, he wakes up next to me. I remember Ellie did that, too. They just want to snuggle, I guess. Ellie would make kissy lips when she was hungry, Matthew does too. Matthew sleeps 85% of the day like Ellie did.

Peter and I have been joking that we make very sleepy children, but is it really a genetic thing? Interesting idea. Their behavior is different in a few ways, but definitely much more alike. Physically, they don't look a thing alike, so that's interesting, too.

What's really interesting is that my brother and I have a lot of similar pet peeves and perspectives on things, despite the fact that our personalities are so different and we haven't lived together in 13 years. At Christmas when Danny and Jieun come, Peter and Jieun have a blast singing together, changing keys, changing lyrics, skipping beats... while Danny and I are both cringing and trying to hold our tongues. Neither of us see our cars as much besides means of transportation (I can only identify my friends' cars by color. When they get new ones, I'm completely lost for about a year.), both of us consider ourselves whitewashed Koreans and are pretty happy about it, neither of us drink soda, etc.

So which has to do with nature and which nurture? The music thing I think is a result of sharing the same piano teacher. I guess the cars and soda thing is due to our parents caring nothing about cars and never letting us drink soda. But Peter's parents didn't let him drink soda growing up, and now he can't get enough of it. Are we genetically inclined to not like soda, like our parents? Could that even possibly be a genetic inclination? Weird.

It'll be interesting to see how Matthew and Ellie develop as they get older. I wonder if they'll be more alike or different. I wonder if they'll be close. I wonder how Peter's preferences will change as "the boy" gets older. I wonder if they'll drink soda or not since Peter does and I don't.

By the way, happy Mothers' Day to me. Mama of two. Still haven't comprehended it fully. Last night though, I left Matthew at home to take Ellie to Kayce's birthday party. When I got back, I was just holding him and he fell asleep. He looked so content to just lie on my chest and snooze. Then I had Ellie leaning against my legs and watching TV. There's just nothing as comforting as Mommy. :) Happy Mothers' Day, Mommies.

Success!... and more failure

Ellie slept in her big girl bed two nights in a row! OK, so the first night Peter fell asleep with her, and I was there when she woke up. The second night, I fell asleep with her, and Peter was there when she woke up. The third night, I was ready to fall asleep with her again when she announced, "I no sleep in my big girl bed. I sleep in Mommy's bed. Come on, Mommy. Let's go downstairs." I had my eyes closed, pretending to be asleep, and I ignored her. Unfortunately, she hopped out of bed, went outside, and went downstairs yelling, "Come on, Mommy! I go downstairs!" So that was the end of that.

I've decided that we'll just wait until everyone leaves our house and we have some semblance of normalcy again. A whole lot of stuff happened at once for her. Halmoni came unplanned, Baby Bubber came a week early, Uncle Paul came, we moved her from her crib in our room to a big girl bed upstairs, and to add to the chaos, she's decided to potty train this week. Aigu.

I know I'm just being a weenie about her sleeping alone. I'm sure we could force her to do it, but Peter wasn't home last night, and I didn't have the energy to battle it out with her. Besides, when you have to breastfeed every 2-3 hours, you don't have unlimited time to try to reason with a stubborn two year old. Yes, I'm sure she's manipulating me, but I'm a sucker. What can I do?

Then Peter came home at 11 and she was still awake. He said he'd put her to bed, but they were talking and laughing at 11:45. That didn't sound like going to bed to me. So I'm not the ONLY sucker. Sigh.

So she's decided to potty train. That is, she's pooped once and peed once in her potty in the past week. She's very excited about it, and can't wait to tell me every time she poos - a minute after she's done it in her diaper. I got her Dora training pants, and I told her she could wear them when she pees or poos in the potty. That's pretty convincing incentive, too. She doesn't QUITE get it, but she's starting to. I'd just put her in underwear and let her have accidents until she figured it out if I didn't have a newborn. I think if it weren't for the baby, she'd be potty trained by now. I just don't have the time to be consistent with her. Any advice anyone?

Here's the latest on Matthew - he rolled over. Seriously. At two weeks old. He was sleeping on his tummy, and he started crying an hour later. I went to check on him, and he's flailing around like a roach on his back. Crazy. I wouldn't have believed it myself if I hadn't seen it. He's been trying to hold his head up since he came home from the hospital, too. I hope that doesn't indicate that he's going to be an overly active child. I want nice calm children. We'll see how much nature (Peter's genes) and nurture (my primary care) will play into it.

I'm tired. Two kids is hard work.

Ernie's Afro

Peter had the entire extended weekend off, and each day was pretty much dedicated to something. Thursday was fixing the playground and the lawn day. Friday was famiy day. Saturday was cleaning day. Today is church and Home Depot day. By the way, Costco is an amazing store. Several pieces of the playground had cracks in them, so Peter took them back. They replaced each piece, problem free. What a store.

So on cleaning day, I decided to wash a bunch of Ellie's old infant toys for Matthew. Then I decided to wash some of her stuffed animals and toys as well. She has these Sesame Street stuffed toys that she plays with all the time. If we're watching Sesame Street, she'll get the toy of the character that's on TV and hold it up to the screen and yell, "SAME, MOMMY! BIG BIRD, TOO!" Also, she has a tendency to feed her toys, especially Cookie Monster (he loves to eat). So a lot of her toys have stuff all over their mouths.

Word to the wise - if you wash toys that have kinda troll-ish sticky-up hair (such as Bert and Ernie), drying them in the dryer will cause their troll hair to become afros. Peter thinks it's hilarious, but I was kind of upset. I tried wetting it and combing it. I'm really close to trying conditioner. Ernie with a fro is just not the same. :(

Another random comment, Ellie has gotten really good at using adverbs. She correctly uses the words anymore (I no want eat anymore.), maybe (Maybe Dora book is on Daddy's table.), not yet (Did poo poo come out? Not yet!), too (I want Baby Bubber come home, too.), first (I eat popsicle FIRST.), next (Eat popsicle next?), later (I clean up later.), now (Mommy turn watch TV now!)... Yesterday she was pretend talking on the phone for nearly an hour. I overheard her talking to Ryan. She goes, "I call you back. Two minutes." I cracked up. I don't ever say that, so I wonder where she learned it.

It's kinda scary that she's so observant, because you really can't get anything past her anymore. She's ALWAYS listening. I've been saying that Matthew looks like my Uncle Joong Jin, although no one agrees with me. I was holding the baby the other day and said to him, "Who do you look like?!" Ellie goes, "Uncle Joo Jin, Mommy." Oh! That's right. Thanks, Ellie.

Getting better!

So now I have two children. Did I mention that? Yes, I am the mother of two. Crazy.

Things have been getting better. My boobs have started making less milk, although they still look like torpedoes coming out of my chest. My pooch is getting smaller, although I still can't wear non-elasticized clothing. The baby is sleeping longer, although he won't let Peter soothe him when he's fussy. Ellie is being really good about everything, although she makes me color with her for about two hours everyday.

There are definitely some nice things about having two. For one, it's so sweet to see Ellie with baby bubber. She's so excited to see him in the mornings. She loves helping me change his diapers and is totally unoffended if I leave her to tend to him. He was just hanging out on the couch, sleeping in the Boppy the other day. I was trying to check my email. I heard Ellie talking, so I went to check on them. She was reading one of her Dora books to him. She sings Twinkle Twinkle to him all the time. Yesterday we were playing Ring Around the Rosy (one of the scariest songs ever, by the way) when Matthew started crying. She goes, "Mommy, go hold Baby Bubber!" I said, "We can finish Ring Around the Rosy first." She responds, "No, Mommy. Baby Bubber crying. Go hold Baby Bubber." So sweet, I almost cried (I'm ridiculously hormonal and emotional these days).

Then it's just nice having a little baby again. I totally didn't have baby fever in the slightest when I got pregnant, but I'm enjoying it. For one thing, I'm not stressed out over every grunt he makes or every little red spot that appears on him. It's nice to cuddle him and know that he's completely dependent on me. He smells good, too.

The hardest thing lately is getting time to myself. They usually are both sleeping during Ellie's nap, so I have that brief moment. Otherwise, one of them constantly needs/wants me for something. I can't imagine what it's like having 3 or more. Sheesh. But it is hard being a constant mom. I sort of feel like I'm nothing else. What was it like being a wife? Or just a person at that? I'm pretty sure it didn't involve breastmilk or Dora the Explorer.

I'm also fairly certain that I'm done having kids. I'm pretty satisfied with one of each. All our friends are saying we'll have more for sure, but I'm actually really content right now.

The good definitely outweighs the bad. Ellie's prayers are the same every night, but it sums it up pretty well - Dear Jesus, thank you for Mommy, Daddy, Baby Bubber, my FAMILY. Amen. Actually, that's her pre-meal prayer, but still. How can that not make you thankful for what you have?

Here are a couple new pictures of my two children. Here they are enjoying some time together and on our first family outing to the pool. Ellie is 5 shades darker already. Matthew's not even close to fitting into his hat.

A semi-simple day

Peter went back to work today. He actually has most of the week off, since we had planned on having Matthew this coming Wednesday. Anyway, it was sort of my first real day with two kids, although I was almost never alone.
Alice and Ryan came over in the morning so the kids could play. Ellie and Ryan have this mutual obsession with one another these days. Kinda funny. Then my mom came over in the afternoon to help me out (aka clean up and cook). In the meantime, Matthew fell asleep, then Ellie fell asleep. I actually had to lift her onto the bed (I'm not supposed to for 6 weeks). Hope I didn't bust anything. Anyway, I took a picture because I thought it was cute that they were napping together, but Ellie just looks ridiculous. It was nice having a little time to myself, ALONE. I miss being alone sometimes...
So the morning was so nice and relaxing, I actually had time to get a pedicure. Ellie is really into makeup, mostly plastic pretend makeup that Alice gave her for Christmas. I sometimes will put sparkly nail polish on her, usually as a reward for something. Today it was just to keep her busy. Anyway, I guess I deserved something nice, too, so here's my first post-baby pedicure. She was so proud. I let her paint her own toenails too.
How in the WORLD am I going to play with a boy?!