I Heart NKOTB

I know I don't usually update this often, but I was strangely cheered up by listening to my New Kids on the Block CD (which I purchased in college) while Peter had the kids. I've been kind of grumpy and stressed these days, but the simple act made me feel a lot better. So I've decided to share why I believe Jordan, Jon, Joey, Danny and Donnie perk me up.

I don't know if it's nostalgia or whatever. Maybe it's because it's the first album I ever bought (and listened to night and day, to which my brother can enthusiastically attest). Perhaps it's that it reminds me of childhood, of worriless days gone by. Could it be that it's because the New Kids made unusually compelling music? Highly doubtful. But I unabashedly claim that Hangin' Tough is my favorite album of all time.

I find the cheerfully nonsensical and grammatically incorrect lyrics, which normally drive me nuts, rather charming. In Cover Girl, there's a part that goes, "Girl, you know you're my kind. You're just what I like. Girl, you're everything. Don't you know you're all right? The only girl I've always needed for so long." What?!!? That's so nonsensical that it's hilarious. It's not even like they needed a specific rhyme or anything. In I'll Be Lovin' You, it goes, "I'll be lovin' you forever, just as long as you want me to be." So does that mean if the girl requests that he not love her anymore, that it'll stop? What's the point of using the word forever then? Good job, lyricists!

I like the random switching of chest voice to falsetto of Jordan Knight. He sings certain lines in falsetto that are lower than lines he sings in chest voice, especially in I'll Be Lovin' You. The best part is, his falsetto is not even good. Then there's Joey, who was in the band before his voice changed, so everything sounds falsetto with him. Nice try, guys!

I like the innocent sense of hope and faithfulness in the songs. Donnie says he'd like his Cover Girl to stay with him and be his bride. Where is he now, 20-something years later? Probably not with his Cover Girl. Probably living in the shadow of little brother Marky Mark. But hey, he was in Sixth Sense for about 3 minutes. Not bad, Donnie!

I like the fact that about half the band was horribly unattractive. Danny looked like a gorilla, Jordan has crazy fangs, and Donnie just looked dirty all the time. They were 5 random scruffy kids from Boston. They had different dance styles that didn't work together, their voices didn't necessarily blend, and some never got to do solos. So crass, so rough-around-the-edges. Noble effort, boys!

Mostly, I liked their dance moves. I have a video of them somewhere in VHS format that some college friends and I copied for our performance of Right Stuff my freshman year. Sure, N'Sync was a close competitor for boy band of my heart, but I will always remain faithful to my New Kids.

Increasing Anxiety

"Are you ready?"

That's the first question a lot of people have been asking me lately about my pregnancy. Let me tell all of you - the answer is a loud resounding no. Ready for another surgery? No. Ready to have a newborn again? No. Ready for breastfeeding? No. Ready to have 3 kids at home? NO. Ready to not be pregnant anymore? Well, that's a definite yes. My usual response is, "I'm ready to get the baby out of me, not ready at all for the baby to be out."

I have less than a month before I'm a mother of 3, and my nervousness is increasing daily. Here's a list of some of my specific worries:

• My surgery/recovery won't go as well as last time.
• I'll go into labor earlier than my scheduled C-section (which is already 2 weeks ahead of my due date).
• I won't bond with the baby as easily as the past since I've been too busy and tired to be into this pregnancy.
• Matthew will completely freak out when he has to leave me at the hospital.
• The kids' sleep schedules will be all out of whack again from me being gone a few days, my in-laws living with us again, and everything being crazy.
• Ellie will completely lose her nap due to the craziness of our schedule and me not being able to drive her around until she falls asleep every afternoon (I know, high maintenance).
• I won't be able to hold Ellie and Matthew for 6 weeks after I give birth.
• Matthew will smoosh or injure the baby when trying to be gentle.
• I won't get to spend quality time with each kid.
• Ellie will get in one of her naughty moods just as I come home from the hospital (or worse yet, when I'm still at the hospital).
• Somehow we have to get Matthew out of the crib before the baby gets too old.
• My body will never go back to normal. I look at my butt and cannot even fathom it shrinking back to normal (which was big to begin with).
• I'll get my tubes tied, be sterile by 30, and regret it like crazy.
• I won't get my tubes tied and be pregnant again by the end of 2008.

This is a pretty complete list. The priorities of these listed things change depending on my mood. Obviously, I'm mostly worried about Ellie and Matthew and not being able to do things with them. Especially Matty, who's the biggest mama's boy, still just a baby, and completely incapable of understanding what's going on.

Ellie totally got it when I had Matthew. Thankfully, 8 other babies preceded Matthew and we visited almost all of them in the hospital (Baby was in Eemo's tummy, now there's baby right there). If you ask Matthew, he'll tell you Baby Bodder is in Mommy's tummy, but he also has a baby bodder in his tummy, as does Ellie's baby dolly. Anyway, I'm concerned for my crazy boy and his separation anxiety with me. Not being able to hold him is going to KILL me. I LOVE putting him to bed, rocking and singing with him, praying and cuddling. He's still in a crib, so I won't be able to lift him into it. SAD! I'm getting all depressed thinking about it.

Yeah, so no - I'm not ready to have this baby. Not in the least. But ready or not, here he comes!

Sinful

My daughter is sinful.

The end.

No, just today was a bad day. She was super whiny and attitude-y. I was already lamenting the fact that my sweet girl had gone naughty on me when she really put me over the edge. She kept deliberately disobeying me; I told her to stop kicking something, and she kicked it even MORE while staring at me and yelling, "NO!" I got all upset and told her she needed to obey (which she did eventually) and apologize to me. At this point, she refused to apologize to me, so I got upset and told her I wasn't going to play with her until she apologized (it didn't sound spiteful the way I said it, more like... fair).

So FINALLY after a lot of crying and screaming, she gives in and apologizes. I calm her down and tell her that when she disobeys and refuses to apologize, it hurts my feelings.
Me: You don't want to hurt Mommy's feelings, do you?
Ellie: Yes, I do.
Me: Uh... excuse me?
Ellie: I WANT to hurt Mommy's feelings.
Me: Ellie, that's so mean to Mommy! Why would you say such a mean thing? Why would you want to hurt Mommy's feelings?
Ellie: Because I don't like you.

At this point, I'm so riled up from her previous naughtiness and so hormonal and emotional that I start crying. I mean, obviously she's doing this to get a reaction out of me. I know she loves me and wants me to be happy and such, but I dunno. I just kinda lost it. So now she's upset that I'm crying, but her little pride will not allow her to simply apologize.

So I ask calmly for an apology, again explaining why she'd hurt my feelings. She calmed down, then refused to apologize again. Finally after about 10 minutes (I'm holding her and cuddling her at this time, by the way), I tell her I'm going to get Matthew from his nap, and that she could stay on my bed until she was able to apologize. She starts screaming repeatedly, "I WANT TO SAY SORRY!" But of course, when I stop to give her the opportunity, she sits silently, chewing on her hair.

MAN! What pride! What sinfulness! It makes me think of how I was growing up. I seriously didn't become aware of my sinfulness until college. I used to think my "testimony" was that God had protected me from big sins and allowed me to live a life that was pleasing to him. How naive, just plain wrong, and embarrassing now that I think about it! Most people see Ellie and she's sweet and happy and kind, likes to share, knows all the answers in church, etc. But geez, this girl is STUBBORN, she refuses to give in, and won't apologize, even when she's sincerely remorseful!

Anyway, this incident put me in a bad mood, so Peter took the kids out for dinner so I could vent and be alone. When Ellie found out I wasn't coming, she asked why. I told her I needed to be alone because I was in a bad mood. She asked why again, and I replied that she'd hurt my feelings earlier and made me sad and cranky. She responded, "But you're the best mommy in the world! It's OK, Mommy. Don't feel bad. Just come with us, OK? Don't be sad." That made me feel somewhat better, but I was still just needing to be alone.

So here I am, alone, reflecting on the sinfulness of my daughter and trying to figure out where I went wrong. :(