Sinful

My daughter is sinful.

The end.

No, just today was a bad day. She was super whiny and attitude-y. I was already lamenting the fact that my sweet girl had gone naughty on me when she really put me over the edge. She kept deliberately disobeying me; I told her to stop kicking something, and she kicked it even MORE while staring at me and yelling, "NO!" I got all upset and told her she needed to obey (which she did eventually) and apologize to me. At this point, she refused to apologize to me, so I got upset and told her I wasn't going to play with her until she apologized (it didn't sound spiteful the way I said it, more like... fair).

So FINALLY after a lot of crying and screaming, she gives in and apologizes. I calm her down and tell her that when she disobeys and refuses to apologize, it hurts my feelings.
Me: You don't want to hurt Mommy's feelings, do you?
Ellie: Yes, I do.
Me: Uh... excuse me?
Ellie: I WANT to hurt Mommy's feelings.
Me: Ellie, that's so mean to Mommy! Why would you say such a mean thing? Why would you want to hurt Mommy's feelings?
Ellie: Because I don't like you.

At this point, I'm so riled up from her previous naughtiness and so hormonal and emotional that I start crying. I mean, obviously she's doing this to get a reaction out of me. I know she loves me and wants me to be happy and such, but I dunno. I just kinda lost it. So now she's upset that I'm crying, but her little pride will not allow her to simply apologize.

So I ask calmly for an apology, again explaining why she'd hurt my feelings. She calmed down, then refused to apologize again. Finally after about 10 minutes (I'm holding her and cuddling her at this time, by the way), I tell her I'm going to get Matthew from his nap, and that she could stay on my bed until she was able to apologize. She starts screaming repeatedly, "I WANT TO SAY SORRY!" But of course, when I stop to give her the opportunity, she sits silently, chewing on her hair.

MAN! What pride! What sinfulness! It makes me think of how I was growing up. I seriously didn't become aware of my sinfulness until college. I used to think my "testimony" was that God had protected me from big sins and allowed me to live a life that was pleasing to him. How naive, just plain wrong, and embarrassing now that I think about it! Most people see Ellie and she's sweet and happy and kind, likes to share, knows all the answers in church, etc. But geez, this girl is STUBBORN, she refuses to give in, and won't apologize, even when she's sincerely remorseful!

Anyway, this incident put me in a bad mood, so Peter took the kids out for dinner so I could vent and be alone. When Ellie found out I wasn't coming, she asked why. I told her I needed to be alone because I was in a bad mood. She asked why again, and I replied that she'd hurt my feelings earlier and made me sad and cranky. She responded, "But you're the best mommy in the world! It's OK, Mommy. Don't feel bad. Just come with us, OK? Don't be sad." That made me feel somewhat better, but I was still just needing to be alone.

So here I am, alone, reflecting on the sinfulness of my daughter and trying to figure out where I went wrong. :(