Exhausted

What a day! We spent the day in Galveston, going first to Dickens on the Strand, then heading out to Moody Gardens for the Festival of Lights. Here's a list of tips for anyone attempting these two activities with a toddler and a preschooler:

• Nap the toddler beforehand. The toddler slept only about an hour ALL DAY on the way there and was quite the crankypants.
• Wear comfortable shoes. Cute flats that are comfortable to wear to dinner are NOT comfortable to wear during miles and miles of walking.
• Feed the children a healthy breakfast. Know that the rest of your food consumption will include smoked turkey legs, candy thrown from a parade, fruit punch, funnel cake, deep-fried flowerin' onion, samples of steak (random), samples of peppermint mochas (fed to the children by their pediatrician father), banana bread, and kettle corn.
• Don't let Daddy give your children anything containing espresso. Makes for an exhausting and spazzy next few hours.
• Recharge the batteries for your camera. Many photo ops missed today.
• Don't attempt any of this when in your last trimester of pregnancy.

Actually, it ended up being a fun day. We ran into the Douglases soon after the parade and hung out with them the rest of the time we were on the Strand. The kids had fun together, the adults had fun together. Good times. Despite the chaos, we do enjoy doing stuff like this with our kids. Thank goodness for the double stroller. Ellie said that once the baby is born, we'll have to get a triple stroller. OR the kid could just learn how to walk. That works, too.

Fortunately, the kids fell asleep on the way home. Amazingly, they didn't fall asleep right away, which Matthew would normally have done. Guess it was the shot of espresso that kept him up and running.

So I was driving home with the radio on Sunny 99.1 Christmas music and the kids asleep, and I just had this overwhelming sense of... overwhelming. I remember when I first had Ellie, I felt so spiritual about the entire process. It was such a miracle, so amazing, so God-driven. Then when she was about 4 months or so, I went through this period of shock and dismay - this baby was going to be with me for the REST OF MY LIFE. There was no escape! I couldn't give her back to anyone. She was utterly MY responsibility.

I didn't have these feelings with Matthew. I think I was just too busy to stop and just think about things like that. I had mostly guilt issues, many of which are creeping back into my thoughts these days. My crazy middle child. How am I going to give him the attention he needs? (BTW, he's hit his terrible twos with full force. I seriously don't remember Ellie being this wild, even in the peak of her terribleness.) Is he crazy because I'm neglecting him?

I sometimes feel overwhelmed with responsibilty regarding my kids. They are MINE, to mold and shape into responsible, caring, considerate individuals. I must discipline them, train them, teach them to love Jesus. I have to supply them with nutrients (and not espresso), ensure they get sufficient sleep, clothe them in matching outfits, take care of their teeth, and sing them endless songs. I must keep them clean, understand their speech, share in their joy and pain, and record Yo Gabba Gabba for them. I need to have rituals, traditions, and experiences that will build happy memories in their minds. Whoa.

It's weird, but I like the overwhelming feeling sometimes. I feel... right about it. Sometimes I feel like it's God convicting me that I'm doing what He wants me to do, despite my tiredness and my constant state of pregnancy. I'm so thankful for the reasons that I'm exhausted, because I love doing stuff for and with my kids. So maybe my house is NEVER clean except for about 30 minutes after the cleaning ladies come. Maybe I'm not cooking as often as I should, especially over the last several months. But I love my life, even when Matthew is hitting Ellie for no reason or throwing his body on the ground because I told him he couldn't eat toothpaste. Even when Ellie is asking why CONSTANTLY or won't cooperate at bedtime. Today, for no reason, Matthew gave me a barrage of kisses. And he was so thrilled about his pony ride he couldn't stop beaming. Ellie was a perfect angel today, not complaining about anything, but earnestly delighting in everything she saw.

Really, who am I to complain? Of course, I say this during a moment of sappiness and revelation, but let's get real. I'm not REALLY going to stop complaining. I'm tired, I'm heavy, I'm uncomfortable, and I'm impatient at times. But truly, deep down inside, I know I have an awesome life. Even with 20 extra pounds on me.