Increasing Anxiety

"Are you ready?"

That's the first question a lot of people have been asking me lately about my pregnancy. Let me tell all of you - the answer is a loud resounding no. Ready for another surgery? No. Ready to have a newborn again? No. Ready for breastfeeding? No. Ready to have 3 kids at home? NO. Ready to not be pregnant anymore? Well, that's a definite yes. My usual response is, "I'm ready to get the baby out of me, not ready at all for the baby to be out."

I have less than a month before I'm a mother of 3, and my nervousness is increasing daily. Here's a list of some of my specific worries:

• My surgery/recovery won't go as well as last time.
• I'll go into labor earlier than my scheduled C-section (which is already 2 weeks ahead of my due date).
• I won't bond with the baby as easily as the past since I've been too busy and tired to be into this pregnancy.
• Matthew will completely freak out when he has to leave me at the hospital.
• The kids' sleep schedules will be all out of whack again from me being gone a few days, my in-laws living with us again, and everything being crazy.
• Ellie will completely lose her nap due to the craziness of our schedule and me not being able to drive her around until she falls asleep every afternoon (I know, high maintenance).
• I won't be able to hold Ellie and Matthew for 6 weeks after I give birth.
• Matthew will smoosh or injure the baby when trying to be gentle.
• I won't get to spend quality time with each kid.
• Ellie will get in one of her naughty moods just as I come home from the hospital (or worse yet, when I'm still at the hospital).
• Somehow we have to get Matthew out of the crib before the baby gets too old.
• My body will never go back to normal. I look at my butt and cannot even fathom it shrinking back to normal (which was big to begin with).
• I'll get my tubes tied, be sterile by 30, and regret it like crazy.
• I won't get my tubes tied and be pregnant again by the end of 2008.

This is a pretty complete list. The priorities of these listed things change depending on my mood. Obviously, I'm mostly worried about Ellie and Matthew and not being able to do things with them. Especially Matty, who's the biggest mama's boy, still just a baby, and completely incapable of understanding what's going on.

Ellie totally got it when I had Matthew. Thankfully, 8 other babies preceded Matthew and we visited almost all of them in the hospital (Baby was in Eemo's tummy, now there's baby right there). If you ask Matthew, he'll tell you Baby Bodder is in Mommy's tummy, but he also has a baby bodder in his tummy, as does Ellie's baby dolly. Anyway, I'm concerned for my crazy boy and his separation anxiety with me. Not being able to hold him is going to KILL me. I LOVE putting him to bed, rocking and singing with him, praying and cuddling. He's still in a crib, so I won't be able to lift him into it. SAD! I'm getting all depressed thinking about it.

Yeah, so no - I'm not ready to have this baby. Not in the least. But ready or not, here he comes!