I Heart NKOTB

I know I don't usually update this often, but I was strangely cheered up by listening to my New Kids on the Block CD (which I purchased in college) while Peter had the kids. I've been kind of grumpy and stressed these days, but the simple act made me feel a lot better. So I've decided to share why I believe Jordan, Jon, Joey, Danny and Donnie perk me up.

I don't know if it's nostalgia or whatever. Maybe it's because it's the first album I ever bought (and listened to night and day, to which my brother can enthusiastically attest). Perhaps it's that it reminds me of childhood, of worriless days gone by. Could it be that it's because the New Kids made unusually compelling music? Highly doubtful. But I unabashedly claim that Hangin' Tough is my favorite album of all time.

I find the cheerfully nonsensical and grammatically incorrect lyrics, which normally drive me nuts, rather charming. In Cover Girl, there's a part that goes, "Girl, you know you're my kind. You're just what I like. Girl, you're everything. Don't you know you're all right? The only girl I've always needed for so long." What?!!? That's so nonsensical that it's hilarious. It's not even like they needed a specific rhyme or anything. In I'll Be Lovin' You, it goes, "I'll be lovin' you forever, just as long as you want me to be." So does that mean if the girl requests that he not love her anymore, that it'll stop? What's the point of using the word forever then? Good job, lyricists!

I like the random switching of chest voice to falsetto of Jordan Knight. He sings certain lines in falsetto that are lower than lines he sings in chest voice, especially in I'll Be Lovin' You. The best part is, his falsetto is not even good. Then there's Joey, who was in the band before his voice changed, so everything sounds falsetto with him. Nice try, guys!

I like the innocent sense of hope and faithfulness in the songs. Donnie says he'd like his Cover Girl to stay with him and be his bride. Where is he now, 20-something years later? Probably not with his Cover Girl. Probably living in the shadow of little brother Marky Mark. But hey, he was in Sixth Sense for about 3 minutes. Not bad, Donnie!

I like the fact that about half the band was horribly unattractive. Danny looked like a gorilla, Jordan has crazy fangs, and Donnie just looked dirty all the time. They were 5 random scruffy kids from Boston. They had different dance styles that didn't work together, their voices didn't necessarily blend, and some never got to do solos. So crass, so rough-around-the-edges. Noble effort, boys!

Mostly, I liked their dance moves. I have a video of them somewhere in VHS format that some college friends and I copied for our performance of Right Stuff my freshman year. Sure, N'Sync was a close competitor for boy band of my heart, but I will always remain faithful to my New Kids.

Increasing Anxiety

"Are you ready?"

That's the first question a lot of people have been asking me lately about my pregnancy. Let me tell all of you - the answer is a loud resounding no. Ready for another surgery? No. Ready to have a newborn again? No. Ready for breastfeeding? No. Ready to have 3 kids at home? NO. Ready to not be pregnant anymore? Well, that's a definite yes. My usual response is, "I'm ready to get the baby out of me, not ready at all for the baby to be out."

I have less than a month before I'm a mother of 3, and my nervousness is increasing daily. Here's a list of some of my specific worries:

• My surgery/recovery won't go as well as last time.
• I'll go into labor earlier than my scheduled C-section (which is already 2 weeks ahead of my due date).
• I won't bond with the baby as easily as the past since I've been too busy and tired to be into this pregnancy.
• Matthew will completely freak out when he has to leave me at the hospital.
• The kids' sleep schedules will be all out of whack again from me being gone a few days, my in-laws living with us again, and everything being crazy.
• Ellie will completely lose her nap due to the craziness of our schedule and me not being able to drive her around until she falls asleep every afternoon (I know, high maintenance).
• I won't be able to hold Ellie and Matthew for 6 weeks after I give birth.
• Matthew will smoosh or injure the baby when trying to be gentle.
• I won't get to spend quality time with each kid.
• Ellie will get in one of her naughty moods just as I come home from the hospital (or worse yet, when I'm still at the hospital).
• Somehow we have to get Matthew out of the crib before the baby gets too old.
• My body will never go back to normal. I look at my butt and cannot even fathom it shrinking back to normal (which was big to begin with).
• I'll get my tubes tied, be sterile by 30, and regret it like crazy.
• I won't get my tubes tied and be pregnant again by the end of 2008.

This is a pretty complete list. The priorities of these listed things change depending on my mood. Obviously, I'm mostly worried about Ellie and Matthew and not being able to do things with them. Especially Matty, who's the biggest mama's boy, still just a baby, and completely incapable of understanding what's going on.

Ellie totally got it when I had Matthew. Thankfully, 8 other babies preceded Matthew and we visited almost all of them in the hospital (Baby was in Eemo's tummy, now there's baby right there). If you ask Matthew, he'll tell you Baby Bodder is in Mommy's tummy, but he also has a baby bodder in his tummy, as does Ellie's baby dolly. Anyway, I'm concerned for my crazy boy and his separation anxiety with me. Not being able to hold him is going to KILL me. I LOVE putting him to bed, rocking and singing with him, praying and cuddling. He's still in a crib, so I won't be able to lift him into it. SAD! I'm getting all depressed thinking about it.

Yeah, so no - I'm not ready to have this baby. Not in the least. But ready or not, here he comes!

Sinful

My daughter is sinful.

The end.

No, just today was a bad day. She was super whiny and attitude-y. I was already lamenting the fact that my sweet girl had gone naughty on me when she really put me over the edge. She kept deliberately disobeying me; I told her to stop kicking something, and she kicked it even MORE while staring at me and yelling, "NO!" I got all upset and told her she needed to obey (which she did eventually) and apologize to me. At this point, she refused to apologize to me, so I got upset and told her I wasn't going to play with her until she apologized (it didn't sound spiteful the way I said it, more like... fair).

So FINALLY after a lot of crying and screaming, she gives in and apologizes. I calm her down and tell her that when she disobeys and refuses to apologize, it hurts my feelings.
Me: You don't want to hurt Mommy's feelings, do you?
Ellie: Yes, I do.
Me: Uh... excuse me?
Ellie: I WANT to hurt Mommy's feelings.
Me: Ellie, that's so mean to Mommy! Why would you say such a mean thing? Why would you want to hurt Mommy's feelings?
Ellie: Because I don't like you.

At this point, I'm so riled up from her previous naughtiness and so hormonal and emotional that I start crying. I mean, obviously she's doing this to get a reaction out of me. I know she loves me and wants me to be happy and such, but I dunno. I just kinda lost it. So now she's upset that I'm crying, but her little pride will not allow her to simply apologize.

So I ask calmly for an apology, again explaining why she'd hurt my feelings. She calmed down, then refused to apologize again. Finally after about 10 minutes (I'm holding her and cuddling her at this time, by the way), I tell her I'm going to get Matthew from his nap, and that she could stay on my bed until she was able to apologize. She starts screaming repeatedly, "I WANT TO SAY SORRY!" But of course, when I stop to give her the opportunity, she sits silently, chewing on her hair.

MAN! What pride! What sinfulness! It makes me think of how I was growing up. I seriously didn't become aware of my sinfulness until college. I used to think my "testimony" was that God had protected me from big sins and allowed me to live a life that was pleasing to him. How naive, just plain wrong, and embarrassing now that I think about it! Most people see Ellie and she's sweet and happy and kind, likes to share, knows all the answers in church, etc. But geez, this girl is STUBBORN, she refuses to give in, and won't apologize, even when she's sincerely remorseful!

Anyway, this incident put me in a bad mood, so Peter took the kids out for dinner so I could vent and be alone. When Ellie found out I wasn't coming, she asked why. I told her I needed to be alone because I was in a bad mood. She asked why again, and I replied that she'd hurt my feelings earlier and made me sad and cranky. She responded, "But you're the best mommy in the world! It's OK, Mommy. Don't feel bad. Just come with us, OK? Don't be sad." That made me feel somewhat better, but I was still just needing to be alone.

So here I am, alone, reflecting on the sinfulness of my daughter and trying to figure out where I went wrong. :(

Sibling Rivalry

So as the birth of this third baby, still nameless, is quickly approaching, my fears are quickly increasing. Some of my apprehensions this time around are definitely new; will we end up with a minivan after all? How will we handle being outnumbered by the kids? Will Matthew smoosh the baby? Can we ever travel again? Will one of my children finally look like me?!

One of my biggest apprehensions is having two boys so close in age. Most people know that Peter and his brother Paul have been fiercely competitive all their lives. The competition lives on in adulthood, although on friendlier terms now (although the occassional fist fight over Boggle was not out of the question, even post-college). Part of the problem is that they are so close in age, I think they just developed pretty much at the same time. Also, they're both naturally competitive. Also, they're both boys.

I don't know how much I can blame on the gender, actually, because I know quite a few competitive little girlfriends of Ellie. But in general, Ellie is super mellow. She rarely feels threatened if Matthew gets more attention. Rather, she's the first to show off his new skills. When he does silly things, she laughs the most. When he discovers new developments, she cheers him on. As I've said in the past, she really is the best big sister ever. She will be competitive with some of her friends occasionally, but almost never with her brother.

HOWEVER, my crazy little guy is ridiculously competitive with Ellie. Anything she does, he has to do, too. If you ask him, he'll tell you he can skip, jump, do backwards somersaults off the couch, shuffle (a tap dance move), help cook, read, and play computer. I think he truly believes in his mind that he is capable of doing these things. If Ellie ever does anything that gets a cheer or laugh, he immediately responds with, "Mommy, watch," and attempts to do it himself. If Peter is romping around with Ellie, he has to be a part of it. If she's cuddling with me, he tries to pry her off me and take her spot.

Unfortunately for Ellie, Matthew actually IS able to do some things better. She is not the most coordinated little girl, maybe partly due to the fact that we didn't really teach her to throw or kick or anything. But at his age of 1 1/2 and her current age of 3 3/4, he's probably a little more coordinated than she. He catches balls better, has better gross motor skills, can aim when he throws/kicks, etc. Sad. She doesn't seem to mind, but I think his motor skills will overtake hers soon.

So with Matthew already in rival mode, how will my two boys respond to each other? I used to tell people I hoped that this boy would at least be mellow like Ellie, but based on his activity level in utero, it seems highly unlikely that will be the case. Will I be able to handle them? My family was not big into arguing or fighting. There was a lot of silent treatment going on rather than yelling, so I don't know what I would do if both of these two end up being hot tempered (as Matty already is).

Everyone says boys are different. Not too sure if I'm excited to see that come into fruition. I'm so the mom of a girl, you know? I like dressing up and playing makeup and stuff. Sigh. What am I going to do with two boys?!

Exhausted

What a day! We spent the day in Galveston, going first to Dickens on the Strand, then heading out to Moody Gardens for the Festival of Lights. Here's a list of tips for anyone attempting these two activities with a toddler and a preschooler:

• Nap the toddler beforehand. The toddler slept only about an hour ALL DAY on the way there and was quite the crankypants.
• Wear comfortable shoes. Cute flats that are comfortable to wear to dinner are NOT comfortable to wear during miles and miles of walking.
• Feed the children a healthy breakfast. Know that the rest of your food consumption will include smoked turkey legs, candy thrown from a parade, fruit punch, funnel cake, deep-fried flowerin' onion, samples of steak (random), samples of peppermint mochas (fed to the children by their pediatrician father), banana bread, and kettle corn.
• Don't let Daddy give your children anything containing espresso. Makes for an exhausting and spazzy next few hours.
• Recharge the batteries for your camera. Many photo ops missed today.
• Don't attempt any of this when in your last trimester of pregnancy.

Actually, it ended up being a fun day. We ran into the Douglases soon after the parade and hung out with them the rest of the time we were on the Strand. The kids had fun together, the adults had fun together. Good times. Despite the chaos, we do enjoy doing stuff like this with our kids. Thank goodness for the double stroller. Ellie said that once the baby is born, we'll have to get a triple stroller. OR the kid could just learn how to walk. That works, too.

Fortunately, the kids fell asleep on the way home. Amazingly, they didn't fall asleep right away, which Matthew would normally have done. Guess it was the shot of espresso that kept him up and running.

So I was driving home with the radio on Sunny 99.1 Christmas music and the kids asleep, and I just had this overwhelming sense of... overwhelming. I remember when I first had Ellie, I felt so spiritual about the entire process. It was such a miracle, so amazing, so God-driven. Then when she was about 4 months or so, I went through this period of shock and dismay - this baby was going to be with me for the REST OF MY LIFE. There was no escape! I couldn't give her back to anyone. She was utterly MY responsibility.

I didn't have these feelings with Matthew. I think I was just too busy to stop and just think about things like that. I had mostly guilt issues, many of which are creeping back into my thoughts these days. My crazy middle child. How am I going to give him the attention he needs? (BTW, he's hit his terrible twos with full force. I seriously don't remember Ellie being this wild, even in the peak of her terribleness.) Is he crazy because I'm neglecting him?

I sometimes feel overwhelmed with responsibilty regarding my kids. They are MINE, to mold and shape into responsible, caring, considerate individuals. I must discipline them, train them, teach them to love Jesus. I have to supply them with nutrients (and not espresso), ensure they get sufficient sleep, clothe them in matching outfits, take care of their teeth, and sing them endless songs. I must keep them clean, understand their speech, share in their joy and pain, and record Yo Gabba Gabba for them. I need to have rituals, traditions, and experiences that will build happy memories in their minds. Whoa.

It's weird, but I like the overwhelming feeling sometimes. I feel... right about it. Sometimes I feel like it's God convicting me that I'm doing what He wants me to do, despite my tiredness and my constant state of pregnancy. I'm so thankful for the reasons that I'm exhausted, because I love doing stuff for and with my kids. So maybe my house is NEVER clean except for about 30 minutes after the cleaning ladies come. Maybe I'm not cooking as often as I should, especially over the last several months. But I love my life, even when Matthew is hitting Ellie for no reason or throwing his body on the ground because I told him he couldn't eat toothpaste. Even when Ellie is asking why CONSTANTLY or won't cooperate at bedtime. Today, for no reason, Matthew gave me a barrage of kisses. And he was so thrilled about his pony ride he couldn't stop beaming. Ellie was a perfect angel today, not complaining about anything, but earnestly delighting in everything she saw.

Really, who am I to complain? Of course, I say this during a moment of sappiness and revelation, but let's get real. I'm not REALLY going to stop complaining. I'm tired, I'm heavy, I'm uncomfortable, and I'm impatient at times. But truly, deep down inside, I know I have an awesome life. Even with 20 extra pounds on me.

Updates

Sheesh. I feel like a lot is going on in our family's life. We've been crazy busy the past few weeks, with just extreme amounts of busy-ness yet to come. Here are some updates for the few who are interested.

Me: I'm now in my 3rd trimester. As people keep telling me, I've busted out. I feel quite large. My sciatica (is that how you spell it?) is acting up when I get up from a lying position. I actually collapsed the other day. I'm tired all the time, similar to the first trimester, which has made me cranky. The whole guilt thing about neglecting my kids is back.

I had my test for gestational diabetes today. As a precautionary measure, I refrained from sweets for about 15 hours beforehand. Could you imagine if I wasn't able to eat carbs for the rest of the pregnancy?! I'd die. I discussed my delivery today with the doctor, which freaked me out. It's coming so soon! ACK! So not ready. Any name ideas? So far, it's just Baby.

My house is a constant mess, and I'm completely lacking the motivation to maintain cleanliness. I will attempt dishes and laundry, but at this point, picking up toys is not worth the effort. I feel grumpy. A lot. On the upside, I got 3 pairs of cute flats at this weird Foot Locker sale for $9.99 each! That was fun. And I AM excited about the holidays. I love Christmas. I love the weather, I love the shopping, I love the decorations up since Halloween. It makes me happy. And I have three weddings coming up. Although they take up a lot of my time, I really enjoy doing the wedding coordination stuff.

Peter: Peter is crazy busy at work. They added another doctor recently, so in addition to the regular growth of their practice, being on call is slightly ridiculous now. He gets calls almost every night, whereas he'd get maybe one nighttime call a week a year ago. The phone is constantly ringing, it feels like.

In addition to work busy-ness, he's organizing the youth retreat again, attending the Monday night shepherds' Bible study (translated from my Dad's curriculum), and shepherding our HC. And, of course, playing scrabulous on facebook. Actually, that's dwindled since he beats people so bad no one wants to play with him anymore. Including me. Especially me.

Peter is getting old. He'll be 34 in a couple of weeks, but it seems like he's getting injured all the time. I have to keep reminding him his bones are getting brittle and his body ain't what it used to be. He tried staying out late to hang out with some old college friends the other day, and they all fell asleep watching a movie (scaring me to death when I woke up at 4:54 to find him not home).

Ellie: Ellie had a blast with the eemos while we were gone in Chicago, but didn't get enough sleep. That was over a week ago, but she's been having sleep issues since. It's been made clear that she totally isn't ready to skip naps completely as she passes out at 6 on nap-skipping days, and is Little Miss Cranky Pants from about 3:00 on. It's great when she goes down at 6, except she wakes up super early, too.

Ellie is still the best big sister I know. She is getting really excited about the baby, although she told my mom that we definitely can't have any more after this one because she'll be too busy. She tries to teach Matthew new "tricks" and words all the time, and is just... sweet. Yesterday at church we talked about being thankful for the things God gave us, then later that night she declared, "Mommy. I'm so thankful for all the pretty things. I want to pray and thank God for them. Dear God, thank you for all the beautiful things you made for me to look at. Like the clouds, and the flowers, and the trees, and all the stores. Thank you for making these wonderful things. In Jesus' name I pray, amen." Wasn't that deep? What 3-year old things to thank God for things to look at? Seriously.

She is also Little Miss Rule Follower, following in Mommy's footsteps. She always has to confirm Peter's decisions with me, and strictly maintains her two TV shows a day rule. She told me Kudos didn't count as breakfast (I was in a hurry) because they have chocolate and a lot of sugar. She didn't eat some sweet thing offered to her because she'd already had a cookie earlier. Sigh. A legalist after my own heart.

Matthew: Matthew is 100% obsessed with trucks. I'm thinking we'll have his birthday party at a construction site. On the road the other day I was pointing out excavators to him, and he goes, "Mommy Mommy! TWO eckacacors." (At which point Ellie said, "ACTUALLY, there's THREE excavators," but Matthew calls anything more than one as two.) My mom bought him a mail truck toy at the post office today, and he was going nuts. He didn't let it go for about 3 hours straight. He can identify excavators, cement mixers, mail trucks, scrapers, and dump trucks. Everything else he calls "BEE guck" (big truck).

Matthew also talks nonstop, which can be tiring. It's mommymommymommy all the live long day. He wants to listen to a particular song (if he doesn't like it, he says, "no no no gong" until I get one he likes), he has to have a particular book, he will only eat particular things. He tells me daily, "Mommy BIIIIG butt." But his talking is mostly funny. He'll say bless you when people sneeze, and he loves to say hello to the guards at the neighborhood gate, any drive through people, people in the elevator, and people in cars next to us. He loves to sing, consisting mostly of moaning until it gets to a word he knows. (Jesus uh me uhhhhhh know. Uhhh Bible uhhh so. Uhhhhhhhhhh ong. Uhhhhhhhhh tong.)

He can count to 5, recognizes blue and yellow, knows the words to a bunch of songs (including the Yo Gabba Gabba theme song), does a lot of animal sounds, can identify about 5 different types of trucks, distinguishes not only the balls (baseball, football, basketball) but the games on TV, prays by himself (Dee Gaw, tak oo Mommy Daddy Ayee. Pay, amen.), remembers names of people really well, thinks he can skip and jump, and is almost at the point of voluntarily sharing. Almost.

Whew! Did you get through all that? I'm exhausted just typing it, let alone living it. Anyway, that's what's up with us. Wish me luck getting through the holidays and my last trimester. Come February, things are only getting crazier!

Ages and Stages

I remember before I had kids, I'd look forward to playing with my favorite ones at church every week. I remember being excited that the Hwangs moved to our neighborhood so I could see Abby. I remember Wesley running to "Meemo" every Sunday and requesting to take him home with us. I remember asking Jonathan to pick us up from a trip and bring Justin so we could see him.

Then, slowly but surely, these babies grew up. They became more independent, they liked me less, they were more interested in playing with their friends, and frankly - became a little less cute. Not less attractive, physically speaking, but less like babies. Let's face it - I, like many people, prefer babies.

So it's making me sad these days that Ellie is at that age where she's outgrown babyhood. I see my friends, some of them Ellie's most loyal eemos in the past, losing interest in her. Honestly, she's at the age now where I start losing interest in other kids. Conveniently, I have Matthew, who's at one of the most fun stages. He recognizes people, remembers things about them, and says and does all kinds of entertaining things. She doesn't seem resentful or jealous when people pay attention to him, but she is more sensitive towards certain people (Sandy, for example) if she gets ignored.

My poor big girl. Even I find myself looking forward to hanging out with Matthew more sometimes. I mean, of course I love my daughter. She's an awesome kid - so smart, so sweet, so funny, so loving. But Matthew is just ridiculously cute right now. The 1-2 year old stage is my favorite, hands down. I wonder if she senses it, though. In the past couple of weeks, she's become a lot clingier to me. I hope I'm not subconsciously pulling away from her or anything. I'm actually making concerted efforts to talk about her as much as I do about Matthew, spend alone time with her, etc. I try to make sure that others acknowledge her when we go places, and I try to give her the spotlight as much as possible.

I'm worried about two things now once the baby comes. #1 - Will Ellie become even MORE neglected/ignored? Will she fade even more into the background as she becomes the nurturing big sister? Or maybe jealousy will kick in this time around as she demands attention. That would not be good, either. And #2 - How will it be for Matthew in two years when the baby is all cute, he's getting boring, and he's the woeful middle child? He won't be the baby, and he won't even be the only boy. At least Ellie has the only girl thing going for her. Sigh.

So if you see my family, please make sure you acknowledge my semi-neglected daughter in between laughing and cuddling with my crazy boy. Sad!

On a lighter note, I discovered that I can fit three real carseats (not just a portable booster) in the backseat of my car. Hopefully the minivan will not be a necessity for this not-even-30-year-old mom anytime soon! Hooray!