Sibling Rivalry

So as the birth of this third baby, still nameless, is quickly approaching, my fears are quickly increasing. Some of my apprehensions this time around are definitely new; will we end up with a minivan after all? How will we handle being outnumbered by the kids? Will Matthew smoosh the baby? Can we ever travel again? Will one of my children finally look like me?!

One of my biggest apprehensions is having two boys so close in age. Most people know that Peter and his brother Paul have been fiercely competitive all their lives. The competition lives on in adulthood, although on friendlier terms now (although the occassional fist fight over Boggle was not out of the question, even post-college). Part of the problem is that they are so close in age, I think they just developed pretty much at the same time. Also, they're both naturally competitive. Also, they're both boys.

I don't know how much I can blame on the gender, actually, because I know quite a few competitive little girlfriends of Ellie. But in general, Ellie is super mellow. She rarely feels threatened if Matthew gets more attention. Rather, she's the first to show off his new skills. When he does silly things, she laughs the most. When he discovers new developments, she cheers him on. As I've said in the past, she really is the best big sister ever. She will be competitive with some of her friends occasionally, but almost never with her brother.

HOWEVER, my crazy little guy is ridiculously competitive with Ellie. Anything she does, he has to do, too. If you ask him, he'll tell you he can skip, jump, do backwards somersaults off the couch, shuffle (a tap dance move), help cook, read, and play computer. I think he truly believes in his mind that he is capable of doing these things. If Ellie ever does anything that gets a cheer or laugh, he immediately responds with, "Mommy, watch," and attempts to do it himself. If Peter is romping around with Ellie, he has to be a part of it. If she's cuddling with me, he tries to pry her off me and take her spot.

Unfortunately for Ellie, Matthew actually IS able to do some things better. She is not the most coordinated little girl, maybe partly due to the fact that we didn't really teach her to throw or kick or anything. But at his age of 1 1/2 and her current age of 3 3/4, he's probably a little more coordinated than she. He catches balls better, has better gross motor skills, can aim when he throws/kicks, etc. Sad. She doesn't seem to mind, but I think his motor skills will overtake hers soon.

So with Matthew already in rival mode, how will my two boys respond to each other? I used to tell people I hoped that this boy would at least be mellow like Ellie, but based on his activity level in utero, it seems highly unlikely that will be the case. Will I be able to handle them? My family was not big into arguing or fighting. There was a lot of silent treatment going on rather than yelling, so I don't know what I would do if both of these two end up being hot tempered (as Matty already is).

Everyone says boys are different. Not too sure if I'm excited to see that come into fruition. I'm so the mom of a girl, you know? I like dressing up and playing makeup and stuff. Sigh. What am I going to do with two boys?!

Exhausted

What a day! We spent the day in Galveston, going first to Dickens on the Strand, then heading out to Moody Gardens for the Festival of Lights. Here's a list of tips for anyone attempting these two activities with a toddler and a preschooler:

• Nap the toddler beforehand. The toddler slept only about an hour ALL DAY on the way there and was quite the crankypants.
• Wear comfortable shoes. Cute flats that are comfortable to wear to dinner are NOT comfortable to wear during miles and miles of walking.
• Feed the children a healthy breakfast. Know that the rest of your food consumption will include smoked turkey legs, candy thrown from a parade, fruit punch, funnel cake, deep-fried flowerin' onion, samples of steak (random), samples of peppermint mochas (fed to the children by their pediatrician father), banana bread, and kettle corn.
• Don't let Daddy give your children anything containing espresso. Makes for an exhausting and spazzy next few hours.
• Recharge the batteries for your camera. Many photo ops missed today.
• Don't attempt any of this when in your last trimester of pregnancy.

Actually, it ended up being a fun day. We ran into the Douglases soon after the parade and hung out with them the rest of the time we were on the Strand. The kids had fun together, the adults had fun together. Good times. Despite the chaos, we do enjoy doing stuff like this with our kids. Thank goodness for the double stroller. Ellie said that once the baby is born, we'll have to get a triple stroller. OR the kid could just learn how to walk. That works, too.

Fortunately, the kids fell asleep on the way home. Amazingly, they didn't fall asleep right away, which Matthew would normally have done. Guess it was the shot of espresso that kept him up and running.

So I was driving home with the radio on Sunny 99.1 Christmas music and the kids asleep, and I just had this overwhelming sense of... overwhelming. I remember when I first had Ellie, I felt so spiritual about the entire process. It was such a miracle, so amazing, so God-driven. Then when she was about 4 months or so, I went through this period of shock and dismay - this baby was going to be with me for the REST OF MY LIFE. There was no escape! I couldn't give her back to anyone. She was utterly MY responsibility.

I didn't have these feelings with Matthew. I think I was just too busy to stop and just think about things like that. I had mostly guilt issues, many of which are creeping back into my thoughts these days. My crazy middle child. How am I going to give him the attention he needs? (BTW, he's hit his terrible twos with full force. I seriously don't remember Ellie being this wild, even in the peak of her terribleness.) Is he crazy because I'm neglecting him?

I sometimes feel overwhelmed with responsibilty regarding my kids. They are MINE, to mold and shape into responsible, caring, considerate individuals. I must discipline them, train them, teach them to love Jesus. I have to supply them with nutrients (and not espresso), ensure they get sufficient sleep, clothe them in matching outfits, take care of their teeth, and sing them endless songs. I must keep them clean, understand their speech, share in their joy and pain, and record Yo Gabba Gabba for them. I need to have rituals, traditions, and experiences that will build happy memories in their minds. Whoa.

It's weird, but I like the overwhelming feeling sometimes. I feel... right about it. Sometimes I feel like it's God convicting me that I'm doing what He wants me to do, despite my tiredness and my constant state of pregnancy. I'm so thankful for the reasons that I'm exhausted, because I love doing stuff for and with my kids. So maybe my house is NEVER clean except for about 30 minutes after the cleaning ladies come. Maybe I'm not cooking as often as I should, especially over the last several months. But I love my life, even when Matthew is hitting Ellie for no reason or throwing his body on the ground because I told him he couldn't eat toothpaste. Even when Ellie is asking why CONSTANTLY or won't cooperate at bedtime. Today, for no reason, Matthew gave me a barrage of kisses. And he was so thrilled about his pony ride he couldn't stop beaming. Ellie was a perfect angel today, not complaining about anything, but earnestly delighting in everything she saw.

Really, who am I to complain? Of course, I say this during a moment of sappiness and revelation, but let's get real. I'm not REALLY going to stop complaining. I'm tired, I'm heavy, I'm uncomfortable, and I'm impatient at times. But truly, deep down inside, I know I have an awesome life. Even with 20 extra pounds on me.