Guilt

No one warns you about the inevitable feelings of guilt that accompany motherhood. Well, maybe not just mothers exclusively... is it just a part of being an adult? I dunno.

Anyway, I feel guilty everyday, usually several times a day. Here are some examples of homemaker guilt: I feel guilty when Peter starts wearing "desperation boxers" (i.e. the ones that are too small and look like briefs or the silk ones) because I haven't done laundry. I feel guilty when I don't make dinner or the dinner that I actually make is not good. I feel guilty that I don't cook very well. I feel guilty when the house is messy and I don't bother cleaning it up because Ellie destroys it again in 2 minutes. I feel guilty when Peter gets home from work and brings the trashcan in on trashday because I didn't do it earlier. But if I start taking care of those things, I feel guilty that I have to plop Ellie down in front of the TV with Dora on to do so (I so said I wouldn't be one of those moms...).

Actually, the other day I turned on Dora and tried to wash the very high pile of dishes in the sink while also doing the 4 loads of laundry that had piled up. Ellie comes over to me and takes my hand and says, "Mommy. Stop stop stop. Let's cuddle a little bit." OH MY GOSH. Seriously close to breaking down in tears. Sad! It's not like I ignore her all day or anything, but I'd been particularly busy that day. She'd also said earlier when I left her eating her mac and cheese (speaking of which, I feel guilty when I don't provide nutritious meals. At least it's organic mac and cheese.) by herself, "Mommy, I waiting for you. Let's eat together." I at that point was sorting the four loads of laundry and actually piling more dishes in the sink.

Mother/wife guilt: I feel guilty when I spend too much time with Matthew and can't give Ellie attention. I feel guilty when Ellie demands all my attention and I neglect Matthew. I feel guilty that I'm looking forward to Ellie starting Mothers' Day Out in September so I can have some time away from her. I feel guilty that I don't have nearly as many pictures of Matthew as I do of Ellie. I feel guilty when Peter comes home and I'm so sick of doling out attention that all I want from him is to clean up the house.

Random guilt: I feel guilty towards the friends we don't spend enough time with. I feel guilty when I don't have enough banchan at meals. I feel guilty when I take too long with thank you cards. I feel guilty when people ask for favors that I don't want to do. I feel guilty that I complain about my weight but eat Reese's cups at midnight (and I have a lot since I got them with a coupon at Costco). I feel guilty that shopping has become my only hobby and I spend money on useless things.

Spiritual guilt: I feel guilty when it's the end of the day and instead of spending time with God I just rewatch the routines from So You Think You Can Dance. I feel guilty that I'm not in any kind of active ministry. I feel guilty using my kids as an excuse. I feel guilty that I haven't developed relationships with anyone new at church in a long time.

So in conclusion (as every essay I wrote in elementary school ended), I feel guilty a lot. And it's kinda depressing. I'm just feeling really exhausted lately, physically and emotionally spent. Sigh. My friend Irene was in town for a day a month ago, and she asked about motherhood. I made it sound very... unhappy. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE being a mom. This is what I want to do. I don't think anyone can understand just how trying it can be unless you experience it yourself. That was a grammatically incorrect sentence, but I'm too tired to fix it. Seriously, I typed most of this with one hand b/c Ellie plopped herself in my lap and insisted on holding my other hand.

Sigh. Time to turn on Dora.