Surviving my days

I've written before about how I get pre-partum depression. I start dreading the birth of the baby, convinced that it'll ruin my life and take away all my happiness. That sounds dramatic, but it's pretty close to accurate. When I went into labor with Matthew, I started bawling because I wouldn't get that last week with Ellie as my only child. Before I had Ellie, I wouldn't let anyone come over during the last few months of my pregnancy because I was afraid that Peter and I would never be alone again.

So the last couple of months before Matthew was born, I was going crazy trying to make the time last as long as possible. I took Ellie to all these fun places, napped with her, stayed with her in bed until she fell asleep, etc. I didn't want the day to end because it meant that we were one day closer to losing our relationship.

As it turns out, we still have a pretty great relationship. We get to spend lots of time together. I'm the mom that takes the older kid to Gymboree while Bjorning the baby. We go to storytime at the library while Peter stays with Matthew. She loves shopping, so I take her anytime I go. HOWEVER, the big difference is that now I can't wait until the end of the day. My goal for each day is to survive it. It really is so much more tiring with the two kids than just the one. ENJOY IT WHILE YOU CAN, mothers of one!

Isn't that sad, though? What a pathetic way to live life. Seriously, my daily goal is to make it through the day. I guess life tends to get monotonous for a lot of people, but I was getting all depressed about it today. I wish I still cherished every moment I have with my kids. When I had Ellie (because the depression went away as soon as she was born), I was determined to enjoy my time with her. I didn't ever want to be one of those moms who lamented over their kids growing up so fast. And honestly, I really did cherish each minute. Now I'm just too busy.

My poor Matthew. I really do love him to death, but it's hard to really cherish our time together, mostly because Ellie's right there in the middle of it. He's totally at the age when I start getting really into babies, too. He smiles all the time and coos at me. Really cute. And I try to make sure we get one on one time, but it's not the same at all. My friends who have more than one kid say you enjoy the second one more because you're not all nervous and panicky, but I feel like time is going too fast to enjoy my second. I can't believe he's almost three months old already!

I hope I can figure out how to simply enjoy them before Matthew becomes a toddler.