Grandma and Grandpa

The relationship between my parents and my kids is very interesting. Ellie goes through phases with my mom. Sometimes she loves her, sometimes just tolerates her, sometimes is flat-out rude to her. The other day she was having a BLAST with Grandma. Just dragging her by the hand, playing and laughing, and (as Grandma bragged to Grandpa) "giving kisses willingly."

On the other hand, Grandpa has always been the favorite grandparent of Ellie's. She'll run up to him and is always excited to see him. I think because he's the only one that really gets on the floor and crawls around with her and acts silly. Peter's uncle (his dad's younger brother) came to visit once. He was crawling around with Ellie, too, and she thought he was just great. I guess it's the silliness that makes the most difference.

Anyway, the interesting thing is that she likes Grandpa the best, but he gives her the least leeway as far as behavior goes. He's always telling her how he loves her conditionally, only when she's being good and is clean and stuff. If she's being crazy, he leaves the room. It's weird, though, because the other 3 grandparents will bend over backwards to keep her from crying and whining and stuff, but they can't always win her over. I don't know what it is. It's like she enjoys the challenge or something. And my dad has JUST NOW started paying attention to Matthew. As he says, "Now he finally looks like a human." Nice, Grandpa.

My parents are very very different when it comes to showing affection. My dad's nickname amongst my friends when I was younger was Kissy Monster. My friends didn't address my mom directly at all. Like when we got married, my dad told Peter immediately to call him Dad. Peter then asks my mom, "What should I call you?" She replies tight-lipped, "You can call me Mrs. Chai." He still doesn't really know what to call her, so he just calls her everything: Mom, omonim, jangmonim, Mrs. Chai, samonim, Chris' mom...

Regardless of the affection that we were (or were not) given, one thing that was never present from either parent growing up was "I love you." I seriously can't remember the last time either of my parents said that to me. I'm sure it's a generational thing, because somehow Danny and I both ended up being affectionate people, even verbally. But now that my parents are grandparents, I guess all reserve flies out the window. They tell Ellie every time they see her, repeatedly, that they love her. OK, so my mom usually tells Ellie, "Say, 'I love you, Grandma,'" before she'll say it to Ellie, but at least she says it. And Ellie always says it back.

A few weeks ago, I was at my parents' house for lunch. My dad was home, and he and Ellie had been having a great time reading books and playing and stuff. After a couple of hours she started getting really tired and cranky and threw a tantrum. I got all nervous, knowing her unconditional love for Grandpa and his conditional love for her. So I left, not wanting to jeopardize the relationship. (Plus, Matthew was screaming and crying, wanting only me to hold him.)

Turns out Grandpa's love is fairly unconditional after all. All she had to do was run to him and give him a hug and kiss for the memory of the badness to go away... so I thought. I talked to my dad a few days after the tantrum. He was all worried that Ellie had gone bad for good. Then he said something interesting - "I know she's my granddaughter and I love her, but I couldn't help being a little mad at her for giving you such a hard time. You ARE my daughter, after all." So I guess that's where loyalties lie. And I think that was my dad's way of saying, "I love you."